Dear Future Me

NO LONGER SLAVES: 5 THOUGHTS ON BREAKING FREE FROM WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU.

August 18, 2018

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‘Oh they say that it’s impossible to ever save a sinner’s soul
but my God says to the prodigal,
‘My beloved one, you are welcome home
Your mercy triumphs over judgement
Love wider than horizons
Stronger than all sin
Lord, your kindness
Leads us to repentance
To the heart of God,
Your heart oh God, is all I want’ – (Heart of God) @Hillsong Young and Free

When I ‘came back’ to Christ, fully dedicating my life, mess and all, to God to do with as He pleased, I interestingly found myself faced with questions. Most of these I only asked myself, though I quickly found out that, even my thoughts are not hidden from God and without fail, He kept providing answers to them in His own way.

One of these plaguing questions was, ‘who is going to believe me?’. Even though most of my most recent sordid life had been apparently hidden (I had tried my best), quite a lot of it was also in the open, where even people who did not actually know these first hand, had heard from someone else or were busily filling in the blanks of what they thought I was up to. Quite simply, the past few years of my life before coming to Christ had been led terribly, leaving a nasty trail of messiness in its wake. This had been part of the reason why I had doubted that God would even care to pay any regard to me in the first place. Because, while I had worn His name in public, and tried to claim its power, my life had really been under my control and whatever hidden sin or immorality I had submitted to. Why would He want me? But He had. The gravity of my sin had not repelled Him from reaching out and dragging me out of the horrible pit. And now here I was, free, renewed, at peace and joyful. I had a song on my lips and a message on my heart, to tell to the ends of the earth, but I was stopped short by the loud question replaying in my head, ‘who is going to believe you?’.

‘People know what you have done and who you were, people have heard of what you may have done, people have added stuff they think you have done. Too many people know, the damage is already done. Your message will mean nothing and will only look like you are trying to cover it all up. Just stop. They know who you were’

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My past!
Of course, I had course to worry about it, I was not proud of it and yet I could not get rid of it, no matter how hard I tried. The best would probably be to hire the Men-In-Black to invoke a major amnesia on the entire world and internet with their wand. They were inaccessible unfortunately, and I could not afford them even if they were. How then would I be able to tell the world of God’s goodness and His power and not be worried about someone pulling up my past and hanging it up for everyone to finally see with their questions of ‘how dare you talk about blah-blah, aren’t the one who did blah- blah and said blah-blah just some months ago? Girl, we KNOW you!’

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In the bag of my past, I carried shame, guilt, doubt and unworthiness magnified. People’s opinions had mattered so much to me and shreds of it still lingered. I was scared out of my skin. I felt at once free and joyful about my newfound freedom and still somehow afraid because of that one question. I asked myself if they could be justified, you know, what if this was just a phase? What if I found out somewhere along the line that it was harder than I thought and decide to give up the whole thing and then those people would say, ‘I said it, it was just a farce’. Yes, I do a lot of thinking.
Well luckily for me, God had answers lined up in His word for me regarding all this. It is pretty simple, and once I started to believe what He had said, the opinions of others started to matter less and less to me

1. God forgives me.

He says in His word that He has removed my sin as far as the east is from the west and He remembers it no more. If God does not remember my sin, why do I have to keep dragging it up and reminding myself or trying to ensure that He remembers it? I can forgive myself and take the next step forward knowing that God almighty forgives me.

2. God does NOT condemn me.

He looks at me through eyes of grace, all my sins covered by the precious blood of His son Jesus Christ. He calls me beloved. Any voice I hear that accuses me or drags up what I did in the past or rubs my sinfulness in my face, is NOT from God.

When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. (John 8:10-11 KJV)

The devil and his demons however know how to drag up a person’s past because they know it comes with feelings of shame, guilt and helplessness, all of which are prisons and once a person gets into them, will do all they can to hide so that no one sees them. And so, they work overtime, through people, through memories, songs, etc., just to place a thought in our head and then have us thinking about how terrible something we did was and how unforgiveable it is.
Any thought or word that is accusatory just for the purpose of accusation and does not edify in anyway is NOT of God and you do yourself a lot of good when you stand on what IS the word of God and reject it!

3. Don’t hide.

What I expose to God, He heals and covers. It no longer has any power over me. What I keep hidden (like I can ever actually hide something from Him), wields a strong hold on me. Take it to God. Whether it is an addiction, bad attitude, sex outside marriage, disrespectfulness, theft, telling lies or gossiping, once given to God and truly repentant, He forgives ALL. The harm is in hiding it from fear of what someone would think of you. Like the Samaritan woman at the well who Jesus spoke to. Once all her shame was out before God, she was set free and she went back to proclaim to all within earshot, about the man who had told her all her hidden things (and had as well forgiven her). Read more in my post Heal: Expose It To Heal It

Psalm 32:3-5 puts it this way, When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night, your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin.

4. Don’t shut up about your testimony

God did not redeem me just so He will have a ‘one- up on me’, He will never use my past against me. If anyone brings up what you did in the past as a way of saying, ‘we all have a past, so just shut- up about being saved’, remember again, you were not saved and redeemed just so you would shut up and watch the rest of the world go to trash. Use your testimony!! It is a powerful tool and through it, many more will find their freedom. This does not equate to going around and looking for what others are doing so as to point at them and say, ‘that’s bad’, rather, it’s about living out the newfound life and love and proclaiming our joy SHAMELESSLY!.

5. I am FREE

The powerful blood of Jesus sets me free. Free from shame, guilt, doubt and unworthiness! It sets me free from the opinion and thoughts of others and even from my own wrong opinions.
I am free to live forward, no longer dwelling on my past and no longer accepting anyone else’s efforts to keep me locked there. My freedom goes a second step to help me see others through a different lens. Whatever stage they are at right now, just like me, they are NOT beyond the reach of God’s grace. And so my job is never to judge or condemn anyone either but to do everything in my power to ensure that they know there is a better way, to love wholly and to NEVER STOP SHARING THE STORY of my redemption.

God’s mercy triumphs over judgement, any form of judgement. This is all the goodness you need to live in freedom and to stop hiding. You need no other person’s permission or approval to stand fiercely by the freedom you have been given in Christ. Go tell it to the mountains.
REFLECTIONS ON DEATH: PART 1 (FOR THE LIVING)

July 31, 2018

I stood quietly among the big crowd at the one week memorial service, this time the ‘observer’, the ‘visitor’, perhaps even the distantly affected. I watched, I listened, and I felt.

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Here was a man, young, devoted, loving and real. Here was a man, no more. Yesterday, his dear friends made jokes with him and bade a cursory ‘see you later’. Yesterday, the ones who disliked or didn’t quite get him yet, still said what they usually did or paid him little to no attention. Yesterday, he dreamt of the little boy who would soon carry his name and perhaps the legacy he had and was building. And today, here was a soul, forever freed from his clayey cage. To this earth, dead.

Of other times past, I had heard people say, ‘She was way too young’. ‘Hers was cut short’, I heard someone exclaim the other time. ‘How could such a cruel thing happen when the business he had toiled for years for had JUST started making profit’, one said of an industrious young fellow. ‘She was only a month from marrying the man of her dreams, they had everything planned already’, I had overheard in another instance some years ago.

‘It’s all really vanity, isn’t it?’, I said, looking into the distance, hoping I’d get a ‘YES’ boomed back at me. ‘It’s all really a chasing after the wind, should we just fold and wait for the inevitable then?’ I asked again, there had been no answer to the first question and I didn’t expect one to this either.

It came not as a booming voice but rather as a deep thought that would not be shaken off.

Out of no effort of ours, we arrive, mostly a bundle of joy to the people that came together to have us. We walk in the knowledge of the world we find ourselves in and accept that survival is what we are made for. And so, from dawn till dusk, our every muscle and breath align to submit to this rule we have become accustomed to, ‘Survive or fail’. Somehow the very thought of death and dying become swallowed up in the section of failure. We work, eat, exercise, talk and learn so we do not die, otherwise we think we have failed and miserably too.

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But is that really it? Is that the purpose of it all? Is it our sole aim to outlast the oldest that ever lived? Or to live to the ripe old age of 99? Is that when our life truly is ‘well- lived’? Are we here to live as long as possible and then crawl up into bed when our bones are tired and weak and bid farewell to our family and friends as they surround our bed, not knowing what could be next if there’s anything at all?

Psalm 139:16 talks about how every single day of our lives were laid out before we were even born ( or if you will, entered into this side of earth). Mind you, this does not rule out free will, but I’ll talk more about this in a later post. That verse, along with the very thought of God’s sovereignty tells me quite a lot though and the sum of it is that, nothing takes God by surprise.

Wait, so what am I saying? That God knew of the young man whose newly married wife died in a car accident a week after their wedding, before it happened? Or that your favorite teacher who was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and died was not forgotten about by God or that your cousin and her baby dying during childbirth did not leave heaven with their mouths agape wondering ‘what happened’? Yes! It is exactly what I am saying. No, God did not cause the cancer or the accident but yes, their time of death (exit from this side of earth) and yours are well known by God. There is such a thing as living forever. That is called eternity and our immortal spirits will do that. However, our clay containers, or bodies as we call them are temporary and we get to live in them for a while only and then on to a place where there would probably be no use or fit for this flesh anyway.

We do get sad when we lose that person, and rightly so. They are on to the next level and we, well, we just are unable to carry on the very things we previously did with them. The gut-wrenching pain is that of not being able to commune with them as before. For Christians, 1 Thess 4:13 offers us a word of encouragement and a reminder that this is NOT the end, and this we know in the depths of our being, almost as if our spirit man was shouting to us that there is indeed MORE ahead.

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As I think long and hard about what may seem like divine cruelty for a young mother to be stripped from her very young children, for the bread- winner to be taken away while the family is left in confusion as to what the next step will be or for the unborn baby to never get to feel the loving touch of his faith- filled father who was senselessly knocked down by a drunk driver, I am drawn again to the word, and to God’s spirit within me that makes me understand, this was no shock to the Father. Indeed, our days are portioned out for us, when we will be born, when we will die and all in-between, of course we have free-will over the in-betweens but over the end of the matter, only the Father can, and He does indeed determine if, it should be longer, shorter or exactly as He planned from the very start.

It’s not divine cruelty then, but there is a divine plan and we can assume the posture of the psalmist who wrote one of my favorite hymns ever click for words (Father, I know that all my life is portioned out for me) and live a life filled with the purpose for which we were made and then, and only then, when we do exit this earth, whether in a flood, a fall or quietly in our beds, we would stand before our Father, not wondering why He gave us only this or that length of days but beyond thankful for the opportunity, purpose and the revelation, as we beam to the sound of the heavenly ‘WELCOME HOME’.
IKEA MEETS BIBLE

June 20, 2018

‘And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.’ – Jer. 29:13 NKJV

Last Monday was a very special day. Well everyday pretty much is special, but on this particular day I had the opportunity of witnessing as some dear friends, who had made the decision, were water baptized. If you know me, I love the moment a person get’s water baptised! It marks the beginning of such a powerful chapter of their lives. It was such an honor to be present and to cheer them on and generally to celebrate the day with them and other people from our wonderful Church family.
While preparing food to take to this occasion, I called my friend who was also making arrangements for food for the occasion to check how far along she was and if everything was going well. She answered the call after a few rings and commented that she had indeed already finished and was trying to put together some furniture she had bought from IKEA earlier in the week. ‘Oh nice’, I said. But she was not of the same opinion and commented on how she needed to have purchased a ‘good’ screw driver to put the structure together. I found that quite odd, I had bought a bed-side table from IKEA earlier that week as well and had been so impressed with the whole thing, especially the fact that they added a cute screw driver that worked perfectly with all the screws provided. My table had come together really nicely and I considered myself quite the expert ‘assembler’ though truthfully that credit actually goes to the shop for making my set-up so easy. So, I asked my friend, ‘wait! are you sure? I don’t think they’d be so sloppy as not to put in the required device, you know?’. My friend insisted that there was no screw driver in the package and was quite frustrated because now she would have to wait till the next day, as this day in question was a holiday, to buy this required item. To cut things short, I went to my bedroom, picked up the small device, took a picture and sent it to her right away. At this she started laughing and I quickly understood why when she sent a follow up picture of the same device, this time in her hand. I started laughing too, and before I knew it, I was saying, ‘You know this is very much like many Christians’.

Me

My friend

How so? I explain.
My friend much like many people, had willingly skipped a very important step. ‘I don’t look at the manuals’, she had said while laughing. She had ignored the manual that came with the package and gone ahead to put it together, after all these were just simple pieces of wood, and their screws, easy to put together, why would one need a whole lecture showing how to do it? The simple answer is however that, had she just taken a simple glance through that ‘manual’, she would have realized that, that simple piece of device in there was actually the most important part of the whole set-up.

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Us humans and this life journey are pretty much like the furniture my dear friend ordered. It is very new, foreign and unknown from day-to-day. When we think it all figured out, it shows up with facets that look familiar at the outset but leaves us frustrated as we try to apply yesterday’s methods. There is always something new that leaves us baffled in the present or even when cocksure of the present, totally at sea on the next step. How do we maneuver this, or that? How do we handle this challenge or that? How do we stay sane in a world that is constantly throwing uncertainties at us?

The good news is that, even better than IKEA, the designer of this life is extremely thoughtful and loving and does not leave us to ‘go figure’. We also are endowed with a ‘manual’ and as well several ‘tools’ with which to put it all together ‘WELL’ and without the unnecessary stress and frustration.

Ever so often, reading the manual, ‘the Bible’, seems so cumbersome even without opening it and as for the tools, they just, well, look weird. How do I pray? What is worship? Why should I fast? Why should I go to Church if all that’s going to happen is a long dragged out ‘speech’ and the pastor going on to take ‘MY’ money? Why should I serve? And on and on we go on to throw aside the important tools and go to spend even more time and money on the ‘professional and powerful’ tool from elsewhere (buying special anointing oils, special rings and handkerchiefs, paying money to ‘special’ persons to pray for us, etc, all the while having the very tools we need right in our hands. If we’d only open up the manual!

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If we’d ONLY open up our Bibles and find that it’s not just a weird collection of stories and books from loooong long ago but that those words in there are very alive and very relevant today and are our very guide to maneuvering this life and all it’s apparent complexities.

‘Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.’ – Psalm 119:105
If only!
PUT A RING ON IT

April 17, 2018

In- between services yesterday, I had the opportunity of sitting with two lovely ladies and having casual chats about life and just pretty much anything that crossed our minds. It was interesting to note while talking to both of these ladies, that each sported a ring, simple but eye- catching nonetheless on a finger. I could not hold on to my curiosity much longer and asked them, ‘Tell me about your ring.’

To this the first lady told me quite excitedly, ‘this is a ring I gave myself, I married myself, because nobody loves me like me, nobody has the patience or time for me like I do and nobody understands me the way I do and so it is a sign of my commitment to myself, I love me’. The second lady said, ‘Oh, this was a gift from my best friend for Christmas’. In response to my question about why she wore it on her ring finger, she just said, ‘why not?’. We continued to talk for a while on the topic of rings and then got distracted by another person joining us for lunch.
I wear a ring on my left middle finger. It’s silver and round and has leaf impressions all around it. Though not very costly or the first choice of design I had in mind, I believe it does it’s job quite well. Why do I wear this ring? Well, my ring is a sign, a physical sign of the vow I have made to God.

For so long, I lived for me. Even my good intentions had a tinge of selfishness entwined. After I let Jesus in my heart and started learning what it meant to walk with Him and to let Him lead me, I have come to realize that I don’t want this life if He is not init. I choose to live for him and let Him be my head, my teacher, my comforter and my father. My identity is found in Him and Him alone and I live to know Him and to make Him known wherever I find myself. Before I look for any other heart to love, I want to search His, to pursue Him, to seek Him and to know Him. To be able to love me and others like He does, I choose to truly hand over every aspect of my life, especially my heart and mind to Him and to learn from Him. And so I wear this ring, as a symbol of this submission. Do I need to or have to? I don’t. I choose to. I won’t forget what He has done and is doing for me but I am human and very fallible, and so if I even so much as fell and hit my head and woke up not knowing where I was, I would look at my finger and remember I have made a vow. This vow is alive and ablaze within my heart and I wear it on my finger for you to see as well. To be a little cheesy, I love God, so I put a ring on it, lol.

‘And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.
Ephesians 6:10-12
https://www.bible.com/bible/97/EPH.6.10-12

This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. THIS IS FOR KEEPS. That about sums it up for me and that is why I wear my ring. This relationship, this walk with God, is for keeps. So I wear this like a married person would, it’s not the ring that makes you married but it signifies, to you and to everyone else what is already confirmed in your heart and spirit.

Do you wear a ring?
What kind of ring do you wear and why do your wear it?

Comment below and let’s get talking.
The Message of The Cross

March 23, 2018

I got home only a couple of hours ago after friends from Church and I in different groups had gone around to different parts of our city putting up posters that read, ‘Your Story is Not Finished’ and stickers that read quite simply, ‘+ = <3’ or cross equals love. Two very simple messages on the surface but messages nonetheless that carry so much depth. I have been reflecting on these two and though I will talk in depth about my unfinished story in a different post, I want to present briefly my reflections on these two statements.

There is no Christianity without the message of the cross, no life, no resurrection, no message, without the cross. This message that took a whole lifetime to prepare and then run the course of three days, this message that remains as real today as it was then, this message that says, ‘here, it’s done, you don’t have to try to do it yourself, I have finished it’. It is a message of hope, of forgiveness, of love and indeed of life, abundant life. For many, the cross may have signified an end, death. Our Savior however did not stay down but gave a whole new meaning to death. The truth is, He didn’t come just to give a new meaning to death but by His resurrection, we who place our trust in Him are able to live the life that He truly wants us to and made us to live, a life of abundance, without being held down by the sins of the past that sought to burden, crush and hold us back. To know that, from the time we get that door and finally let Jesus in, He comes in and starts His beautiful work of restoration. He takes the weight of sin off us and from that point forward, we can begin to live a life of freedom, not having to keep looking back at our past, the past He has so completely cleared, removed, like the east from the west.

This message fills me with so much hope. The cross, a symbol of death and indeed the ‘device’ on which my savior was killed, becomes more than just that. It is now the resounding message of love, a father who, knowing His children could not save themselves, made the ultimate sacrifice to set us free. The Cross, an emblem of love, a love that sets me free and reminds me I can live a life of true freedom and pursue God’s plans for my life. The cross, where my unfinished story starts and continues.

I was deep in sin and thought everything lost, my life purposeless, my sin unforgiveable and then I heard His message, once more. A hope ignited, a heart healed, a life transformed, a purpose restored and a life committed forever and ever, and above all, a deep knowledge and conviction that there is so much more ahead in God’s story for me and that my story and indeed your story is not finished.

My church is doing a feature on unfinished stories. You can check it out by visiting the unfinished stories website at Unfinished Story.
Heal: Expose It To Heal It

March 9, 2018

‘Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.’ Psalm 139: 23- 24

As a medical doctor on emergency and surgical duty, wound care was one of the major aspects of duties to attend to each day. Often people would come in with different degrees of injuries that required some form of medical intervention.

Although practically every wound was different in how it occurred, how it presented, and of course its complete treatment, there was a system to managing them that was common to all of them. You would be surprised by how much this also applies to things in life that hurt and leave ‘invisible’ wounds in our lives. Continue reading as I shed more light on how tackling these wounds require a process closer to medicine than you ever imagined or thought possible.

One of the major steps in caring for the wound is to expose it. Usually at the time the wound occurs, the patients would find the nearest and best thing to cover the wound. This would usually be parts of clothing, dirty rags and for a few, clean bandages. No matter which of these had been used in covering up the wound before they arrived in the hospital, the doctor or nurse would first have to expose the wound. As simple as this sounds, it is one of the most important steps. The cloth may have been useful at the time it was applied to the wound, it may have stopped the bleeding, may have prevented more dirt from entering the wound or may have hidden the sight of the injury from some eyes or the patient’s own to give some relief. What ever the reason was, at that moment the doctor or nurse was taking care of it, it just had to GO. By taking it off, they would be better able to see what was actually going on underneath, the extent of the wound, what else was involved and with this, what specific treatment was required. No two wounds were exactly the same and unless the wound had been well exposed and examined, the treatment for one would not automatically be prescribed for the other.

If the wound is not exposed and goes on to be treated with the nicest treatments, one of several things may happen. If it is a very shallow wound and not contaminated with dirt or other impurities, it may go on to heal and not have any complications and probably not even leave a scar. However, if it was a deep wound, probably with a broken bone or torn muscles, and contaminated, a lack of exposure and going ahead to dress it even with the best bands and ointments will not lead to healing but rather to a festering wound that will leave a nasty scar even if it manages to heal or an infection that goes bone deep and may require surgery.

I find this to be true of the ‘wounds’ I have acquired in life as well. Maybe it was an unkind word spoken to me, ingratitude shown when I had done something from my heart, perhaps I was gossiped about, a relationship I was hopeful about broke apart or someone stole from me. Believe it or not, all these things have happened to me at one point or the other and most likely to you as well. Perhaps when these happened I grabbed the nearest cloth or ‘bandage’ around and covered it so it wouldn’t ‘bleed’ anymore, so it would stop hurting or so that no one would know that I had just acquired a nasty wound. In some cases, the wound had gone on to have ointments and dressings applied to it without truly being exposed. So with a covering of ‘it doesn’t matter’ and no true healing, the wound which may look alright on the surface festers deep within and never truly heals on the inside. The festering produces unforgiveness, bitterness, a deep sadness, deep- seated insecurity, a quick temper and repeated cycles of broken friendships and relationships which further worsen the non- healing state.

What does it mean to have these truly healed? Referring to David’s prayer at the start of this post, the first step involves admitting that there is indeed a wound, that there is something wrong, that you have been hurt, that you are angry, that things are not as they should be. This of course is the most important step as healthy people rarely ever go in search of a doctor. After admitting that there is something out of place, taking it to the right hospital is the next step. Here Jesus invites as in Matthew 11:28, ‘Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.‘ He alone has the right skill and patience to expose this wound to you and to begin the gradual process of cleaning it out and healing it with the appropriate treatment for it. Nothing is hidden from Him anyway but also He doesn’t force His way in. He gives us the choice to let Him do the healing. Something He does from the inside out and leaves no part unhealed. The Message translation says it this way in Romans 12: 2, ‘Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it.’

For so long, without realizing it, I carried improperly healed wounds around. Wounds I had not allowed to be properly examined, wound I had nicely hidden from the examining light of God and wounds I had plastered a quick fix over. These had only led to more hurt, more pain to myself and an offense to others I came in contact with. It had taken finally allowing the word of God to perform surgery on those old improperly healed wounds, to begin the process of proper healing and the road to good function and happiness again. And then from then on, like David, asking Holy Spirit to expose whatever is left or whatever new wound springs up, quickly and to do the require cleaning and healing.

I love that nothing is hidden from God, and I also love that He gives me the choice and opportunity to bring it all to Him so He will do His perfect work of healing on me every time.

Nothing that is hidden will ever be truly healed. Admission and exposure are essential steps in the healing process.

Nothing that is hidden from God will ever be fully healed. Bring it all to Him, He is more than willing to set you completely free. Then you will experience true healing and live truly free.
Get The Door: Ep2

February 14, 2018

This is part two of the three- part series. you can read part one here Get The Door: Ep1

The discontentment had not always been obvious. For the most part, it seemed like righteous anger at all the things that didn’t seem to be working. Why did I have to be the one with the terrible skin disease or the one constantly overweight no matter how much I ‘dieted’, why this or that? The questions were endless and though there were times I would casually wave them off, anytime there was another nasty look at the eczematous skin on my neck, arms or legs from someone or another rejection in whatever form or a set-back, I would go back to wondering, why me?

Not every one of these were overt, rather, a gradual build up had slowly laid brick on brick and led to a deep-seated discontentment that just had it’s own forms of expression. And with these came other emotions and attitudes; a labile mood, an impatience with self and others, a need to feel appreciated or liked by people, the desperate need to fit in and be like others or to have certain things and relationships because it felt like it was just time and I was growing ‘old’, along with the fear of being ‘left behind’ among other thoughts and emotions. ‘Maybe if I did this or that, then I would have this friend or that friend or maybe if I did this or that then I would have this or that’ were common thoughts. For a girl who was deeply loved by her parents and siblings, this seemed quite unusual but that was her reality.

The weight did come with some work and the skin improved but the people still came and went. ‘What more did I have to do to get them to stay’, I would think. Yet the more I did, the worse everything got and the worse I went on to think AND feel about myself. Nothing was working. Interestingly, this was not only damaging people’s view of me but my view of people as well, and in turn affecting my social interactions, my work, my family life and my faith in God. A vicious cycle had started and by myself I had no way of truly realizing what was happening or even beginning to realize how to stop it and turn it around or make it better, something only likened to falling down an abyss.

But help was coming….

To be continued in Ep. 3
Foodie Saturdays: Maximizing your grocery shopping budget

February 3, 2018

Living on a student budget requires a lot of forward thinking and tact. While you may not have a full- time job or any job for that matter, the bills still have to be paid. Good time and money management are some of the greatest assets as a student. Planning and making good choices are essential in both cases. One area I make good savings on, is grocery shopping.

Most times we are just hard- pressed for time, in a rush and not planning adequately would rob me of the great savings I could have made had I been more strategic. In Germany, shops can spring a surprise with 1/2 price on groceries at anytime but the most consistent times one is likely to find great reductions on perishable food items are Saturdays and Mondays. Most shops are closed according to law on Sundays and logically, shops will be trying to prevent wastage on Saturdays and to get rid of old stock on Monday. And it is on such days that it is most ideal to shop for those groceries.

The hard part could be buying what you don’t need just because the price was right. Being strategic would lead you to pick those things which you do need and for some items, that need may be a later date. I don’t shop every week, so I like to stock up on the well- priced items that I can store well till I need them.

One such item is Spinach. This has recently been expensive and so when I strutted into the shop and found it going for half price, I grabbed that bag quickly. Of course I didn’t have any plans for cooking a spinach meal but I knew exactly how I would store it for when I need it later. I simply cut it up, pack it in portions in freezer bags and pop them in the freezer. It is fast and it keeps so well and works perfectly with sauces and smoothies.

Give it a try.
Foodie Saturdays: Popping the perfect homemade popcorn

January 27, 2018
I love popcorn. I can have it for breakfast, lunch or super. Very often, my excitement in going to a cinema to see a movie is heightened by the fact that I will get a huge bucket of popcorn of whatever flavor – I hardly discriminate- while I watch the movie. I eat microwaveable popcorn as well, but it is usually a last resort. As much as I love movies, I don’t get to go to the cinema as often as I’d like to and that cinema popcorn is pretty expensive.

In view of this and in keeping with my tradition of knowing how to make every meal I like, I decided to get my own corn and make my own popcorn whenever I felt like it. The results have been great so far and here I show you to make your own popcorn.

You will need:
- A pot with a lid
- Popping corn (Click here for perfect popping corn)
- 1 teaspoon of cooking oil
- 1 teaspoon of butter
- sugar/salt (to taste)
Turn on the stove or hot plate, set to medium high and place the pot on. Add a teaspoon of oil and a handful (1/4 of a cup) of yellow popping corn and stir continuously with a long ladle. Add the teaspoon of butter when the corn starts turning brown. and continue stirring till the first corn fizzles and pops (if you like sugar, here’s the time to add some according to how much you’d like). At this point, cover the pot with the lid and wait. To prevent the unpopped corn from burning, crack the lid and slip the ladle in and give it a quick stir. After 45 seconds, most of the corn should be popped and your popcorn ready to eat. Pour into a bowl, add some nuts of your choice and enjoy.

Cooking time: 2 minutes max

Link to Orville Redenbacher popping corn here
Get The Door: Ep1

January 26, 2018

“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” – Revelations 3:20 (NLT)

For several years, thoughts of my birthday approaching would make me extremely uncomfortable. Questions from friends about what I planned to do on the day would usually receive the standard ‘oh, I just want a quiet day’ or ‘nothing big’ answer. The day would come and go quietly with a few phone calls from family and close friends who remembered the date. I would go about the day with the ‘business as usual’ approach. Truth is, although I was very grateful to be alive, I felt that I had no reason to celebrate. In my mind, I had not made it to where I had planned and hoped to be at or had not acquired somethings I was quite sure I would have at that point. These thoughts in addition to things that just didn’t seem to be working right would keep me locked in the ‘low-key’ and ‘nothing- worth- celebrating’ state of mind and in truth I dreaded my birthday. I so dreaded it that, I would not even tell people about it till the actual day or after the day. The worst bit was answering questions about how old I was. ’28? Wow!!’ ’30? Oh wow!!’ ’31? Girl you’re not as young as I thought. Wow!’ usually followed and made me all the more nervous. ‘Another year and no ring’ was particularly one recurring question to myself, something I will get into in another post.

The worst bit was answering questions about how old I was. ’28? Wow!!’ ’30? Oh wow!!’ ’31? Girl you’re not as young as I thought. Wow!’ usually followed and made me all the more nervous.

I truly was happy to be alive and in good health but that would often take the back seat to the thoughts about the things that had not be attained yet. Not that I wasn’t working towards these, but the preset mindset of ‘by this age, you must have this’ and ‘by that age, you most definitely must be there’ would rob the day of it’s joy and leave me instead drained from all the negative emotions.

At the beginning of 2017 however, overwhelmed with all the many things that just didn’t seem to be working out and having come to the end of myself, I took a step forward, rededicated my life to Jesus and decided to declare my faith publicly by getting baptized on my birthday. I literally threw wide open the door, nervously at first, and let Jesus in. You can read more about my full immersion water baptism here -> Water Baptism: The bath that changed my life

While taking this stand did not shield me from experiencing lows or failure through the year, I learnt so much over the past year that has given me a renewed approach to life and has led to a fresh appreciation of the fourth of February.

I turn thirty- three in a few days, yay, and leading up to this day, I am glad to start this short three- part series on the things I have learnt about life and about myself since I let God in. Follow along with me, it promises to be interesting.

To be continued in Ep2.